How Do I Deal with Conflict Between Employees?

This is the question we get asked very often.

I remember one of my first real cases as an HR consultant. Two colleagues, both high performers, both genuinely good people, had let a small miscommunication fester for months. By the time I got involved, they’d stopped cc’ing each other on emails, their team had split into camps, and the whole department was walking on eggshells. What started as a disagreement over a project deadline had quietly become a thing.

That experience taught me something I now tell every manager who calls me in a panic: the conflict you can see is almost never the conflict you’re actually dealing with.

“Most workplace conflict isn’t really about the thing people say it’s about. Your job isn’t to solve the argument but to understand what’s underneath it.”

So where do you start? Here’s how I actually approach it when a manager comes to me saying “two of my people are at each other’s throats.”

What I do (and what I’d tell you to do too)

1. Talk to each person separately and actually listen.

Not to gather evidence, not to take sides. Just to understand their experience. Let them vent if they need to. You’ll hear two very different versions of the same story, and that’s completely normal. Both can be true at once.

2. Don’t rush to get them in the same room.

Every instinct says “let’s sit everyone down and hash it out.” Resist this at first. Putting two raw, defensive people face-to-face before they’re ready usually makes things worse, not better.

3. Separate the people from the problem.

This is a classic from conflict mediation, and it’s a classic for good reason. The goal isn’t to declare a winner. It’s to find a way forward that both people can live with. Keep bringing the conversation back to work outcomes, not personalities.

4. Bring them together with a clear agenda and be present.

Once both parties feel heard, a facilitated conversation can work wonders. Set ground rules. Keep it focused. Don’t let it become a grievance dump. Your job here is to guide, not adjudicate.

5. Document what was agreed and follow up.

This step is where most managers drop the ball. A conversation without follow-through is just hot air. Write down what was agreed. Check in two weeks later. Conflict that’s been “resolved” but not monitored almost always resurfaces.

THE PART NOBODY WANTS TO HEAR! Sometimes, one or both employees simply shouldn’t be in the same team anymore. Not because they’re bad people, but because the dynamic has become genuinely toxic and no amount of mediation will fix it. Knowing when you’ve reached that point is one of the hardest calls in management. But…. ignoring it is always more expensive in the long run.

What this all comes down to

Conflict between employees is not a sign that you’ve failed as a manager. It’s a sign that you have humans working for you. Humans bring their whole selves, their insecurities, their histories, their bad days, to work whether we like it or not.

What does reflect on you as a leader is how you respond to it. Do you ignore it and hope it fades? (It won’t.) Do you jump in too hard and make everyone defensive? (Easy to do, hard to undo.) Or do you approach it with patience, curiosity, and a genuine belief that most people want to get along, they just sometimes need a bit of help getting there?

That last one. That’s the one that works.

If you’re in the middle of something like this right now and you’re not sure where to start, just start by listening.

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Still stuck? Some conflicts need a professional in the room and that’s nothing to be ashamed of. If things have escalated beyond what you feel equipped to handle alone, the team at Lilac HR are here to help. Whether it’s mediation, policy guidance, or simply a conversation with someone who’s seen it all before, don’t wait until it gets worse. Get in touch with Lilac HR today. https://www.lilachr.co.uk/contact